The Catalyst

By Kelli Konicek, Arts and Entertainment Editor

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Despite the glum economy, you shall thankfully find yourself exploring a plethora of job opportunities. While others are experiencing the cold reality of layoffs and cut hours, you shall be living the good life, clipping the toenails of the elderly and handing out anti-baldness pamphlets at the circus. The pay, hours and quality aren’t really what you’re looking for, but it is enough income to pay for your essentials: cat food and toothpaste. Other people just don’t seem to realize you have to get creative in these tough times.
Word of the Day: Arsenic

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Regardless of your current weight, it would be a good idea to sign up for fat camp this summer. While the personality inside is certainly important, it’s critical to remember that no one pays attention to such matters unless you have chiseled abs that look like they were drawn on with permanent marker. In fact, it may simply be a better idea to do that… it’s not like anyone is going to see you shirtless anyway, right? Gross.
Word of the Day: Truffle shuffle

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

Be careful, Gemini- that cute new romantic prospect has some interesting quirks you might not find so endearing. After a few dates, you’ll come to find out he/she enjoys “cat punching.”Apparently it is very popular in Iceland. You’ll also begin to find earthworms squirming in all of your shoes. Although you have no evidence, you shall blame your prospective mate. It’s probably all for the best, anyway- breaking up with them is a heck of a lot easier than really finding out where those earthworms came from.
Word of the Day: Nest

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

This summer will hold a hot new romance for you, Cancer. Of course, by “Hot,” I mean in a thermal sort of way, and by “romance,” I mean you’ll become obsessed with deep frying everything you stick into your mouth. Exasperation from your peers will climax when you begin frying each apple jack before lovingly setting it inside the cereal bowl. Deep frying the milk will hilariously lead to several painful third degree burns.
Word of the Day: Limits

Leo (July 23-August 22)

When someone tells you in the next month he/she didn’t want to “buy a pig in a poke,” don’t begin ranting about animal cruelty and/or the scrumptious aroma of sizzling bacon. While this idiom sounds simultaneously hilarious and stupid, it has more to do with buying things without any examination; kind of like that mail-order bride you were thinking about. It will probably be your grandma or pastor that says this phrase, so please refrain from relating their unseen purchase to your desire to buy yourself a wife. That will certainly be a bee in their bonnet.
Word of the Day: Thailand

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

Watch out for bears this next week or so, Virgo. You may find those hairy balls of lard to be a bit of a mammalian joke, but that’s only because you’ve never had one try to rip your face in half. If you have had a bear try to sever your face from your head, you probably understand why it is important that you avoid them, and you are probably already aware that you smell exactly like carrion. That is, of course, quite a hindrance when one wants to avoid bears. For those Virgo who yet to experience the face-ripping, just remember to take an extra bottle of cologne with you on your next camping trip.
Word of the Day: Antarctica

Libra (September 23- October 22)

As you eagerly await Christmas, it would be best to begin getting others into the holiday spirit. My first suggestion would be to TiVo any Christmas-themed medical commercial. Playing this at any available moment would be the next step to a “sleigh full of confidence.” Others may detest your forcible holiday cajoling, but you shall simply “ho” in their face and strut away. Christmas shan’t be a lonely affair this year, for you will have prepared accordingly.
Word of the day: Stocking Stuffer

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Beware the next rock you pick from the ground and pocket; it will actually be a brown, smelly organic substance that is most certainly not a rock. That’s right, Scorpio- it will be a piece of rotting wood. Forgetting the bit of branch in your britches, you shall leave your pants balled up in the corner of your bedroom. Here the wood shall rot further, attracting various forms of majestic wildlife like cockroaches and house flies. These beautiful creatures shall eat the entirety of your pants to reach the piece of rotting tree. The animals will leave in anger once they find it is simply wood; apparently, the vermin were also slightly disillusioned from the first sentence.
Word of the day: Macabre

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

As much as you’re sure everyone enjoys your company, there happens to be one person who does not. His name is Randall, and he is a 46-year-old accountant from Price, Utah. He enjoys cats and puzzles, but simply hates the thought of anyone born under the sign Sagittarius. This is due to the fact his birthday is December 22, and he has always been angered that his sign resembles a mer-goat instead of something that doesn’t make you afraid of both farms and the sea simultaneously.
Word of the Day: Inbreeding

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

To become comfortable with awkward silences (something you are undoubtedly at least familiar with), it would be in your best interest to take a stab at miming. Don’t try to flake out of going the whole way; tiny black tights, striped shirt and beret are all imperative. Children at school will give you ample uncomfortable silences to work with by telling you repeatedly, “You’re too fat to wear those tights.” Naturally, you will probably respond by miming yourself away into a tiny box. Adults will accuse you of public indecency, justifying such by mentioning that you are too portly to wear such constricting bottom-wear. You should mime yourself some pants at this point.
Word of the Day: Four-Eyed-Monsters

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

During a future stroll, you shall find yourself in the possession of a large tank of nitrous oxide. After it falls noisily from a truck, you shall begin inhaling the gas to find out what the substance is. It will only be when you begin behaving like a buffoon that you will realize it is laughing gas. After heaving a plentiful amount of this gas, you’ll suddenly be bamboozled by a gang of feisty dentists; apparently, this was all a trap to get some cavities filled. Your mother is a crafty she-devil.
Word of the Day: Overactive Bladder

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

A visit to your friend’s house will end horribly in the near future, Pisces. Things will go pleasantly as your friend gives you a tour of their home… until you reach the kitchen. On the refrigerator there shall be several photographs depicting you and your family on vacation. Pictures of you as a baby will also litter the great metal “food coffin.” These pictures will be riddled with lipstick smudges. While it is a rather strange and frightening incident, it is no contest to the things you will find under your chum’s bed.
Word of the day: Memento