The Catalyst

By A Disgruntled Math Student

-6x = 12

Take a look at this equation. If you’ve even taken Algebra I, you are currently thinking to yourself: Gosh, that’s easy. The answer’s negative two. Obviously.

But I’m not asking you to solve it. I’m asking something else, namely this:

Why?

Why is the answer negative two?

Come to that, why do negative numbers even exist? I mean, what caveman was sitting around at the dawn of time holding a potato and thinking: gee whiz, what if I had a negative potato right now? How do you conceptualize the actual reverse of matter, not simply an absence? It ends at zero. You can’t have less than zero.

I have a thesis. It’s a brilliant thesis.

I think that negative numbers are a hoax.

For example:

You are holding a newspaper right now. You know it exists, because it’s a real tangible object. How on earth would you have a negative newspaper? You can’t. In this life, in this three-dimensional world, you will never have negative anything. Either you have something, or you have nothing. There is no such thing as a negative number.

I will make one small concession. In subjects like chemistry, or physics, it kind of makes sense. You have to represent an exothermic reaction somehow, or an attractive electric force instead of a repulsion. But still. You’re representing a tangible force in the universe when you add the marking “-”, so it’s not a real negative: it’s a symbol of heat, or the absence of heat, or a charge. A real negative implies that you have less than nothing, am I right? So: how do you have less than no heat, or no charge?

Ask a chemistry teacher. The absolute zero of matter’s heat is -273° Fahrenheit: that is, no atomic movement at all. Ask if you can go below that. She’ll tell you the same thing: “It’s absolute zero. End of story.”
Did you catch that? IT STOPS AT ZERO.

In day-to-day life, negative numbers make even less sense. How many times in your life have you had negative Cheetos, or a negative grade on a paper (with “Epic Fail” written across the top, presumably), or a negative car, or a negative copy of the Catalyst? How would you even represent that in a physical world?

Of course, the common defense is debt. Money. “If I lend you twelve dollars, and you spend it, you have negative twelve dollars,” says the faithful mathematician. I say: False. I do not have negative twelve dollars. We both have zero, and you’re an idiot for giving me your money.

There is, I admit, an intrinsic cultural understanding of debt. If someone lends us money, we feel a societal obligation to pay it back eventually. But that doesn’t mean we have “negative” money. It means that when we finally come back into the dough, we might pay it back. Or we might ignore the bills and the phone calls and the legal summons, and become bankrupt and live on the streets. That is a social consequence, not a mathematical one. Does that negative eight billion or whatever chase us around as we move from cardboard box to cardboard box? No. We have nothing. The end.

Math students, math teachers – hark one and all to my revelation. I am setting you free. Desist from memorizing countless rules, exceptions, complications (who decided that a negative times a negative is a positive? And the square root of negative one is an “imaginary number”? Puh-lease). Go out into the world and fill your life with positive things!

Take another look at the equation at the top. Here’s a secret: the correct answer is not negative two.

This is actually a true/false question.