The Catalyst

By Bri Castellini, Commentary and Web Editor

My first choice college starts its admissions process October 2. This is extremely stressful. Not because I need to start working on the application, which I do, but because within the next month, something significant has to happen to me. Not could happen to me. It has to happen to me. Otherwise, there go my dreams for college.

Basically, it comes down to this; I'm not significant enough to get into college. Every admissions counselor I've talked to tells me that the essay is the most important part of the application process, and the most common essay prompt is something along the lines of “write about a significant event and how it has shaped, effected, or changed your life.”

I don't have time to have significant events happen to me. All of my time is spent revolving around school and various social discrepancies. I've never gone to Africa to help starving children. The most life-changing moment I've ever had was watching a girl with no forearms playing volleyball better than I could and realizing that my own struggles are petty and ridiculous.

Colleges don't want to read about how much I suck. They want to know what events affect me. And the events that I consider significant are usually things that prove just how insignificant I really am, which would, again, earn me no points with the admissions teams.

Maybe I should stage something. Murdering someone close to me is out of the question, of course. I’m not proficient enough at hiding bodies yet. I don’t particularly want to give myself cancer either. So I’ll have to settle for the next best thing; a citizen’s arrest. According to Duhaime.org, a citizen’s arrest is the “detainment of a person suspected of having committed a crime, by a person other than a police officer.” The website goes on to explain that one has to use as little force as necessary in order to detain said suspected criminal, because otherwise the “pretend officer” could get charged with assault. I don’t want to get charged with assault. I just have to get someone intimidating looking to do something illegal, then submit to my control when I appear at the scene. For good measure, I’ll be wearing a cape. Then, after the police come and thank me for my bravery, I’ll dash back to my secret hideout and type up my essay, while the graphic details are still fresh in my mind. I’ll use the money I’m saving from my lack of student loans to post bail for my unfortunate but useful fake criminal.

Unfortunately, that whole idea sounds ridiculous. I don’t have a cool enough cape to pull it off. So unless I stumble across a band of stranded, starving children by October 2, I'm out of luck. I wonder if Wal-Mart is hiring.