The Catalyst

By Judith Horsefeather, Commentary and Web Editor

Day 1: No one is who they seem.

My name is Judith Horsefeather, spy for a secret government agency. My assignment? To infiltrate a public high school. The government wants insight on the teenage mind, and my youthful face was a perfect candidate to get such information. I am expected to learn the deepest intricacies of the neural impulses occurring in the teenage grey matter.

I started Tuesday in my regular field work attire: all black with sunglasses. Children in the hallways stared. Lesson learned: Don’t wear sunglasses inside. It just inhibits your observation abilities and decreases your ability to blend in.

I continued to check every corner before I turned them, a habit I haven’t broken since my tour in Russia. There could be evil afoot. I turned in a psychology test in an envelope marked “Confidential.” You never know who is trying to steal answers. This does not make me popular with my new classmates. Note to self: hide paranoia.
The day ends blandly. My attire was deemed ‘gothic’ and ‘weird’ causing me to make a conclusion; the contemporary spy look will not work. I’ll have to go back a few centuries for Day 2, in hopes of winning over my new peers.

Day 2: Dressing up to Decadence

My conclusion from yesterday has not held up the same as I expected it to. Today, I decided to go for a “Sherlock Holmes” look, complete with a trench coat and detective hat. Unfortunately, this caused uproar of hilarity among the students.

As it is still technically summer, I felt it appropriate to wear shorts and a tee-shirt underneath my long coat. Unfortunately, this raised an uncomfortable question of whether or not I was wearing anything at all under it. I was not aware this particular item of clothing gave the connotation of streaking.

The hat was a more successful venture. Its low brim allowed me to observe the population without being questioned. My observations? Nothing particularly conclusive. The teenage student behavior is still a mystery to me.

My hopes are quickly dropping in regards to my successful execution of this assignment. If I can’t fit in with the other students, let alone learn such simple things as their names and favorite colors, I can’t learn their inner workings. If I can’t fit in, I can’t do my job.

Tomorrow, I think I’ll try acting more respectable. Maybe the students will finally reveal their secrets when they realize how much I’d like to be one of them. Respect is common among high school students, right?

Day 3: The name’s Horsefeather. Judith Horsefeather.

“High School Musical,” my pre-mission research, lied to me. In a tie, suit jacket, and button up white shirt, I approached my third day at this school with confidence. Everyone at the fictional East High respected each other, even the new kids. I figured dressing to reflect this would be a bonus. Besides, the characters in the aforementioned movie dressed sharply as well. I was so sure it would work.

Unfortunately, high school students can pick out someone different like sharks can pick up the scent of blood immediately. I was sorely misled about the mannerisms and dress codes of the teenage generation. The boys in their sagging pants and girls in their skintight pants stare at me incredulously.

And then it came to me. I would have to be an entirely different person. Tomorrow, I will be Julie Featherhorse, a regular high school student. Just like everyone else.

Day 4: Starting over

My hat and glasses look was foiled. Even under the false name, my features are much too prominent to be overlooked. They know who I am, and my assignment has been compromised.

Head low, I trudged back to my agency. My superiors sat at their cold, marble desks expectantly. Grudgingly, I related my failure. With faces as equally cold as their desks, they nodded at my story and handed me a large stack of papers. No more fieldwork for Agent Horsefeather for a while.

Reflecting on the four days I have spent in a public high school, I am left with only one query.

Does ANYONE fit in?