The Catalyst

By Kelli Konicek, Arts and Entertainment Editor

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your next visit to the coast will leave you witness to an epic battle between a shark and an octopus. You'll sit in wonder as the octopus and shark duke it out, ducking and dodging like two three-legged mules. You won't actually be in the ocean as the battle rages- you'll be watching it on Youtube in the hotel room with the curtains pulled. You'd go outside, but that would mean potential sand deposits in places you’d rather keep clean.
Your future career: Sanitation Engineer

Taurus (April 20- May 20)

Whether you think the accordion is a beautiful instrument or not, Mars has told me you shall find yourself playing it to a crowd of elderly gentlemen. They will sit in tiny chairs with arms folded, and will scowl as you attempt to play “Baby Got Back” on your expandable companion. The old men will collectively make a decision not to invite you again as soon as you begin to sing about your “anaconda.”
Your future career: Waste Specialist

Gemini (May 21- June 20)

It pains me to report that disaster will strike this month for all Gemini. At least once before the next full moon, you will find yourself without a cell phone. This imminent parting will result as soon as you are forced to relieve yourself; your phone, precariously hanging out of your pocket, will drop in the toilet. As you watch the phone sink daintily to the bottom of the bowl, you’ll see the screen light up with a new text message.
The end of this story is up to you.
Your future career: Garbage Daycare Provider

Cancer (June 21- July 22)

A rather unfortunate trick will be played on you this month, Cancer. As a “hilarious homage” to Michael Vick, you friends will dress two poodles up in purple clown costumes. The dogs will fight viciously, ripping off the red rubber noses and purple latex pants. Crying in fear, you will try fruitlessly to rip the fancier of the outfits off one of the fluffy beasts; it was supposed to be your prom outfit.
Your future career: CEO of Filth

Leo (July 23-August 22)

The humidity on Uranus indicates some bad news for you, I fear. While the man lying in the back seat of your car will not be Tom Cruise himself, he will sure look an awful lot like him. He will also be very dead. To hide this dreadful incident, you shall wrap “Tom” in a pile of clothes you were planning to take to good will, and you will bury it in your back yard. When a woman vaguely resembling Katie Holmes knocks on your door, wondering where her husband has gotten to, you will feel a bit uncomfortable. Invite her in for spaghetti.
Your future career: Sewage Warlock

Virgo (August 23- September 22)

A strange mystery will develop in the coming weeks for you, Virgo. Whenever you find yourself to be out in public, a very tiny car will putt by on the road, verbally abusing you as it passes. No matter where you are, you’ll hear a face-splitting shriek issuing from a tiny crack in the car’s window. It will always be the same vehicle, and it will always issue forth the same guttural cry. It will sound much like a monkey getting a chest wax. I’d buy some earplugs.
Your future career: Dump Technician

Libra (September 23- October 22)

According to the global warming patterns on Neptune, you may have a slight dietary fluctuation. All persons under Libra, great or small, will soon have an irresistible urge to eat crab cakes. Red Lobster shall be full of Libras, all dying to devour as many delicious, buttery crustacean-flavored morsels ASAP. You will obviously be among them. As you leave Red Lobster after your crab cake feast, you will find the need to scoop out a lobster from the tank and hide it in your purse/backpack/shirt… you will probably be a bit puckish later tonight.
Your Future Career: Professional Transporter of Organic Waste

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)

Your crushing loneliness will soon come to a climax, Scorpio. You will sit on your Facebook for hours on end, refreshing over and over again with no result. You will poke all of your 680 friends, and not one will bother to answer you back. Suddenly, you will get the brilliant idea to simply message yourself back and forth. You shall never be lonely again, except for in the real world that actually matters.
Your future career: Assistant Regional Manager of Rubbish

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)

Now is a good time to begin searching for a college major, Sagittarius. If you’re having problems deciding, my magnificent clairvoyance suggests that you look into the button industry. The classes required for a major in buttons mostly involve learning how to maneuver one, and the men and women devoted to the study of buttons are usually the most eccentric and mentally unstable. This, obviously, makes for a rocking good time. After your 8 ½ years of button study, you will be able to answer the question, “do you know anything about buttons?” with a happy affirmative.
Your future career: Director of Proper Button Disposal

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)

Prom will hold some very romantic events for you this year, Capricorn. Whether you are going or not, you shall be visited by a young man asking if you’d like to go with him. If you happen to be a man yourself, your visitor will be dressed in a very short skirt and a tank top that shows off his copious amounts of arm hair quite nicely. If you happen to be a woman, the only variation of this outfit will be a drawn on mustache. You will politely refuse the offer, if only because you told yourself you wouldn’t go with anyone better looking than you.
Your future career: Trash Removal Personnel

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)

A most ironic fate will happen to you this month, Aquarius; for reasons unknown, you shall find yourself lying on the floor of your home. You will try to move up to a higher altitude, but will find this action frivolous. “Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!” you will scream. Clawing at the sky, you will ask your mother for assistance. She will laugh lightly and say, “You’re so funny, dear! That’s just like the old lady on that commercial.” She will commence whatever activity she was performing, leaving you to flop on the ground fishily. Your family will only help you after you are forced to lie for several days in a pool of your own tears… much like the old lady on the commercial.
Your future career: Dumpster Custodian

Pisces (February 19- March 20)

After watching a documentary about monarch butterflies, I’m afraid to inform you that you will develop an unhealthy fear of the common critters. Watching the beast emerge from its slimy, disgusting chrysalis will invoke the gag reflex and send you running from the room. Going outside henceforth will be a humongous chore; the little white butterflies fluttering away outside will cause your face to leak tears of terror. This will be a difficult affliction to overcome- it should probably be squelched before you are forced to enter a botanical garden of some sort.
Your future career: Trash man