The Catalyst

By Kelli Konicek, Arts and Entertainment Editor

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Regardless of your musical ability, the best option for you at this point in your life is to learn the Contrabass Saxophone. It is bigger than you (unless you happen to be taller than seven feet), cooler than you, and possibly one of the biggest honking instruments you can blow. Careful, though- there are only six contrabass saxophones in use today. You had better get a move on if you want to fulfill your destiny before all those other suckers.
What to name your firstborn: Blubber

Taurus (April 20- May 20)
There is a reason everyone has been avoiding you lately; without your knowledge, someone has slathered all of your clothes with onion dip. As you pass by, people cry out in pain as their face is bombarded with waves of sour smelling dip scent. It may be a hindrance if you wish to give that special friend a backrub, but this new circumstance is handy traveling through the crowded halls.
What to name your firstborn: Senior Pantaloon

Gemini (May 21- June 20)
During walks it would be best to stay away from any kind of sheep heard. If you happen to pass by a flock of walking mutton, your privacy will henceforth end. Just like the story of Little Bo Peep, the sheep will follow you without discretion. You will find this especially annoying when they try to pile in the bathtub with you. The rhyme didn’t talk about Little Bo Peep’s homicidal tendencies, but you’ll be quite familiar with them after becoming well acquainted with your new friends.
What to name your firstborn: Tapeworm

Cancer (June 21- July 22)
This Valentine’s Day will bring upmost joy into your existence. After years of being completely ignored on this day, you will suddenly find yourself showered with gifts. Chocolates, flowers, and talking Hallmark teddy bears will be stuffed in your mailbox the morning of February 14. Leaping with joy, you will run to retrieve all of your gifts. The only problem is that every single bouquet and chocolate will be addressed to your annoying sibling. You shall rip their name off of the chocolates and commence eating until you puke from happiness.
What to name your firstborn: Tax Return

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Misfortune strikes you once again, Leo. For some strange reason, your old Furby will keep turning up in the strangest of places. You’ll first discover it as a soggy mess floating in the toilet. It will find its way into other nooks and crannies such as the inside of your pillowcase, behind the shower curtain, and finally in your underpants drawer. You might blame this on a tricky family member if you hadn’t thrown the same Furby off an overpass 4 years ago… it might be a little sore about that.
What to name your firstborn: Orange Jell-O

Virgo (August 23- September 22)
You will inexplicably gain weight in the upcoming months. It will start with a few pounds you may blame on a lack of recent exercise or the holidays. Although you will undoubtedly begin to eat healthier and move more, the pounds will grab onto your buns and thighs like drowning cats. By the end of this sad endeavor, you will weigh around 650 pounds. The good news is that you will probably get your own special series on the discovery channel.
What to name your firstborn: 7

Libra (September 23- October 22)
Fortune smiles upon you this month, Libra! Mars, the planet that dictates your number of daily bathroom visits, is aligned with the asteroid Zwingli; this means your “internal plumbing” will be ship-shape for the weeks to come. Don’t worry about any troubling intestinal emergencies- if the planets may be trusted, you’ll have some decidedly “smooth sailing.”
What to name your firstborn: Facebook

Scorpio (October 23- November 21)
Disaster will strike this month for all Scorpios, I’m afraid. After losing your cell phone for a number of days, you will finally locate it inside a small, angry cat. The cat will not let anyone near, and you can hear it purr loudly whenever the phone signals a new text message by vibrating. You will frantically check the litter box each morning, but to no avail. The cat will snuggle into the couch and enjoy your phone in ways you never got to.
What to name your firstborn: Pat

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21)
Your next trip to the movie theater will surely be a strange one if the weather patterns on Jupiter can be trusted. A man sitting behind you in the dark theater will find it appropriate to lean forward in his chair and breathe as loudly and slowly as he possibly can. He will also be wearing a pirate costume. During the film, the pirate will laugh uproariously every time an actor drives a vehicle. When you finally make it home, you will find out he was putting half-eaten marshmallows in your sweatshirt hood.
What to name your firstborn: Baby

Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Be warned that there are those that seek to ruin your Valentine’s Day; don’t open the door for anyone February 14th. It will most likely be a “caroler.” He will sing horribly depressing songs, most of which will have “death” or “tears” somewhere in the title. When you close the door in his face after telling him to go away, he will walk over to the nearest open window so you can still listen to his off-pitch wail. This will go on until the wee hours of the morning, unfortunately. At that point, the caroler will decide it’s probably time to drown his sorrows in a slice of Village Inn pie.
What to name your firstborn: Luscious

Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
Lady Luck smiles upon you, Aquarius; you shall be blessed with a lovely birthday present. A strange, slightly overweight woman wearing a large pair of stiletto heels will bestow you with a large statue made of cherry Jell-O. It will be in your image, and it will have little chunks of pineapple in it. You will be forced to accept this gift, if only because the woman won’t understand anything but Russian.
What to name your firstborn: Windex

Pisces (February 19- March 20)
Due to the morose condition of the economy, your parents are going to force you to find better employment. This, unfortunately, will land you at the local mortuary. While the atmosphere is a bit lacking and it’s rather awkward for your friends to visit, the pay is decent and the bathrooms are usually clean. You shall busy yourself most of the day folding the ends of toilet paper rolls into triangles and picking up dirty tissues with a pair of salad tossing tongs- four dollars above minimum wage is surely worth it.
What to name your firstborn: Lol